awesome

Quotes Entirely Relevant to Consulting

2008-06-26T23:57:00.004-05:00

"The tears of annoying children are probably the greatest natural resource we have."

- Matt Ufford, of the sports blog With Leather

(click here for accompanying video of annoying child falling off a skateboard, bashing head on ground and bursting into tears)

Wait a minute...

2008-06-25T23:54:00.004-05:00

I like writing posts like the last one because I can do them at the office and everyone thinks I'm busy with client work.

Except when they see the word "poop" in 36-pt font on a deck...that raises awkward questions.

For those who'd like to further explore poop dynamics, here's a vaguely pedophilic Japanese potty training video, followed by a subtitled version with painstaking Japanese-to-English translation. Useful!

[Watch them in order and with speakers on for maximum effect; totally SFW]

The Masterpiece (redux)

2008-06-25T23:37:00.005-05:00

[Disclosure: this is a slightly edited old school repost from my previous blog. Just for shits.]

I'm not the kind of guy who poops every day. More like once every three days (if I'm a superhero, this is my superpower). One time at summer camp I held it the whole week and then destroyed our bathroom at home - my mom was not thrilled.

Why? Efficiency! Also, it was a dare. Boy Scout camp is pretty hardcore.

Think about it: the two or three days of shitlessness eliminates at least 30 minutes of wasted time - time that could (should!) be used tweaking a PowerPoint or making a pivot table. When you finally do have a BM, it's as fast and smooth as your first wet dream. Even if you can't limit it to twice a week like me, there's no reason not to minimize your toilet time.

When you're a high-powered consultant, time is of the essence. The 15 minutes you spend on the crapper is $200 you just shat down the drain. And when you're a worthless PowerPoint grunt, it's good training for future ballerhood.

To explain:The poop I took at work today was excellent - a masterpiece. A monstrous three-minute ass rocket that permanently damaged the plumbing. I barely felt a thing.

Moral: Less shitting, more billing.

Quotes Entirely Relevant to Consulting

2008-06-12T22:31:00.004-05:00

"Consultant" as defined on Urban Dictionary:

1. Consultant
A man who knows 500 different ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.

The gov't. mistakenly hired a plethora of consultants to find a solution to the problem.

2. Consultant
Someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then walks off with it

a consultant is a legitimate, occasionally usefull professional adivser [sic]

Associated words include: "conman," "buisness man," "nitting," "donkey punch" and "strawberry milkshake" [sic, again].

I dunno what 'nitting' is but 'donkey punch' and 'strawberry milkshake' are industry terms for "workforce efficiency optimization" and "strategic initiative diversification," respectively.

Credit where it's due: the Urban Dictionary posting was first discovered by pinko/enemy of capitalism/loyal reader Joyster, who is currently petitioning for political asylum in China.

The new "Breakdance baby kick"

2008-04-24T13:39:00.005-05:00

Symbolic breakdown of this video as it pertains to my day:

Kicker: My project manager (non-MILF)
Ball: PowerPoint deck
Goalpost: Client
Goalie: Me

I've seen this about 12 times and I can't stop laughing. My cubemates think I'm going crazy.

I miss football season

2008-04-24T13:26:00.004-05:00

I want it to be August. NOW.

This Jacksonville fan agrees with me.

There's a lot wrong with Jacksonville, but if I ever move there I know that guy will be my friend.

This makes so much sense

2008-04-23T16:24:00.005-05:00

I'm all about efficiency.

[See: New Year's Resolution #7]

This card was sent to me by loyal reader DazzlingRainbow.

What did we ever do to you, Mike Myers?

2008-04-02T00:22:00.003-05:00

Sigh.

(also: black hockey player? in canada? please.)

Quotes entirely relevant to consulting

2008-03-31T16:46:00.002-05:00

"I don't have a problem selling out; it's deciding how to sell out."

- Kamdizzle

Cold-hearted consulting

2008-03-28T19:17:00.003-05:00

Consultant 1: I was on this conference call, and the meeting just stopped for like five minutes.
Consultant 2: Yeah I was in the room, one of the clients started choking on a piece of, like, lamb meat. She self-Heimliched herself on a chair!
Consultant 1: Whoa what?
Consultant 2: The meat like flew out of her mouth. And there was this wrinkly piece of meat sitting in the corner, and we were like...are you going to pick that up? It was gross.
Principal: Nobody tried to help her?
Consultant 2: Nah. We don't like her.

Taxicab confessions

2008-03-24T18:46:00.004-05:00

Any good consultant will tell you that you do not - DO NOT - fuck with cab companies.

A good company's drivers will be consistently punctual and deliver you promptly to your airport, saving valuable hours of sleep when you're shooting for that 5 AM flight to San Francisco. No one-hour cushion in case the driver flakes, no worrying that he'll try and scam you by taking Lakeshore during rush hour, (usually) no bodily fluids on the car seat.

Sadly, most cab companies are thoroughly incompetent, so once you find a quality service you latch on and never let go. I personally keep Globe Taxi on speed dial (at one point, the dispatch operator recognized me by voice). If you botch this relationship you could be in serious trouble.

This is not idle talk. On a cab ride to O'Hare I confirmed a terrible truth, albeit one that I have long suspected: There are taxi blacklists.

Between incoherent Russian curse words I overheard a private radio conversation between the driver and dispatch. Some miserable, frustrated customer called up two different companies and requested cabs for the same time; needless to say, disaster ensued.

Through snippets of static-y conversation, this is what I gathered:

1. The Globe taxi showed up and saw a Fast Taxi cab pulling up at the same spot.
2. The customer came outside and the Globe driver accused the customer of calling both companies.
3. The Fast Taxi driver saw the Globe driver and started yelling at the customer.
4. The customer vehemently denied calling both cabs.
5. The customer admitted to calling both cabs.
6. The customer arbitrarily decided to go with Fast Taxi instead of Globe. (I was in a Globe taxi, of course.)
7. The Globe driver reported this sequence of events to dispatch.
8. The customer is now on a 'list.' He is also probably on a similar list with Fast Taxi, the only other reliable company in Chicago. He will never receive taxi service again.
8. The drivers started making fun of the customer over the radio

This is troubling information, and I need to be very careful in walking this line. The mere suspicion of betrayal can lead to blacklisting, and being on such a blacklist could cripple my career by making it impossible to reach the airport. I'd rather quit than take the CTA to O'Hare at 3 AM.

I already knew that taxi drivers are horrible, vindictive people. Now I know they're ruthlessly Machiavellian as well.

They don't prepare you for this shit in consulting school, son.

I'm so getting blacklisted.

International Poop for Peace Day: April 18

2008-03-24T15:00:00.004-05:00

Today I received this ass-random email:

---------------------------------
APRIL 18, 2008: POOP FOR PEACE DAY
---------------------------------
(You're receiving this email because you signed up for the Poop For Peace Day mailing list. If this is a mistake, just click the link at the bottom. Don't worry, I'm not a spammer.)
This April, just like every April, the world will come together to poop for peace. On April 18, with a grunt and a prayer, we will once again spread the gospel of fundamental oneness by embracing our universal number twoness.
As always, the event is to be promoted entirely by the grassroots (or assroots, or grossroots, or what have you). So:
**IF YOU HAVE A BLOG, OR A WEBSITE, OR A MYSPACE PAGE:**
Please post a Poop For Peace Day banner! (Follow the link below.) Make sure you email me when you post it so I can link back to you on the Poop For Peace Day homepage.
I'll send more information as time draws near. In the meantime, tell your friends, post banners on your sites, download and print posters, and get ready to poop for peace. Find everything you need here: http://www.poopreport.com/Peace.
Yours in brown utopia,

Dave Praeger
PoopReport.com

What? Who signed me up for this shit? Who is Dave Praeger? What is this organization?

Desperately searching for answers, I investigated the site and discovered this choice quote:

Under the influence of Taco Bell, there is no Christian or Muslim or Jew. There are only human bodies, reacting to the complications of digestion in the same predictable and malodorous ways. Poop wields supreme power over our bodies -- when poop calls, you answer, or you face the consequences. Poop is our cruel tyrant, our fickle deity, our omnipotent oppressor -- it is a force to which every human being has no choice but to submit.

And recognizing this is the first step toward world peace.

Sadly, what these people don't realize is that I'm a poop superhero - I have a BM maybe once every three days (less if avoid salads). That said, I think this is a cause I can get behind. Even with the unnecessary slam on Taco Bell.

I hereby pledge to have a BM on April 18, in solidarity with humans and various animals across the world. You should do the same.

I wanna put it in your philology

2008-03-19T22:22:00.007-05:00

Oh man.

There's nothing hotter than a hot English teacher. Especially while she's teaching English. And being hot. At the same time!

Found this through Gawker: a hot Russian English teacher giving the etymology of different words. Extremely mentally stimulating. Also, she's really really hot. And qualified! She claims two degrees in philology.

Sadly she doesn't wear those bikinis during the videos (those are just stills to draw in viewers), but in this one - the best one! - she gives an extensive history of the word "boob."

Although she's actually hotter in the second video, I think.

Sadly, they're not all dirty words. In this one she philologizes all over the expression "cup of joe."

I think this more than makes up for all the wiener commentary from the last few posts.

And quite frankly she can touch my philology any time she wants.

Quotes entirely relevant to consulting

2008-03-19T17:23:00.005-05:00

In a department meeting:

Partner:

"One of our big strengths - and something we can always use more of - is building on existing client relationships. For example, with [redacted], we started four years ago with a small $50,000 project. Now they give us $2 million a year - for the same project!"

[room bursts into laughter]

Syracuse

2008-03-19T14:15:00.007-05:00

Syracuse! Syracuse.

Syracuse...

I have a friend from Syracuse, Danimal. His father, a medical doctor, is famous for popularizing the pap smear.

This is what Danimal looked like the last time I saw him:

He is a champion.

Danimal works for the Associated Press, covering financial news in New York. I name-drop him constantly, usually when talking out of my ass. I had this conversation today:

Coworker: How come you aren't done with those edits yet? I needed that an hour ago!
Me: Dude my friend who works for the Associated Press said the big rumor is we're bombing Iran today....and my brother's stationed in Oman so he might be going in.
Coworker: Wait...are you serious?
Me: I've been a little distracted.

What I never, ever mention is that:
1. I have no siblings of worth
2. Danimal was born and raised in the sad, cold little town of Syracuse (wannabe Albany) where I once went for a client visit.

I asked for a food recommendation and he referred me to the Dinosaur Bar-B-Que, operated by Creationists. My team did not eat there, preferring to sample delicious regional cuisine from Fresno's Southwest Grill.

Our meetings only lasted a few hours so we spend the next two days snowed in at the Syracuse airport, which is smaller than my cubicle. About eight hours after the airport bar closed it became like Lord of the Flies: tribes of feral businesspeople lurching aimlessly around with sharpened BlackBerries, scrounging for sustenance and fighting for survival in the desolation of gate B5.

(As consultants, we formed a consultant tribe and prospered by advising other tribes on how to steal food from Sbarro's. Which was surprisingly easy.)

Also as a consultant, Syracuse airport, I consult you this:
1. Increase beer selection. Drastically.
2. Sbarro's? Really?
3. Buy some snow plows because sometimes in Syracuse it snows a lot.
4. Good job with the free wireless.
5. Seriously, though, snow plows.

Eventually they stopped canceling every flight at the airport and I made it home alive. Much to the chagrin of my roommates, who were enjoying the spooge-free shower.

And that's the story of my wretched trip to Syracuse.

Quotes entirely relevant to consulting

2008-03-18T21:47:00.003-05:00

"That woman...she's like a Slinky. You don't really know why she's there until you push her down the stairs and she puts a smile on your face."

- Guy who sits down the hall from me

Balls

2008-03-18T17:16:00.004-05:00

I'm bored. Here's a bunch of random cool stuff:

1.
Improv PowerPoint
A sport designed for a man of my particular talents: PowerPoint karaoke. Like normal karaoke, but for consultants.

"If you've never heard of PowerPoint Karaoke, that probably means you're neither German nor a hardcore techie. "

They have a point! And I am all about "the mordant parody of business culture."

2.
Diary of a Functioning Alcoholic.
I like booze. But this article was making me feel pretty bad about myself until I got to page three, the alcohol diaries with exactly what each person consumed during the week.

This was my favorite:

Ruby
Monday Four pints of beer at lunch and in the afternoon. Bottle of wine in the evening
Tuesday Two bottles of wine late afternoon and evening while at home
Wednesday Two bottles of wine, two small glasses of neat vodka while on sofa at home
Thursday Half a litre of neat vodka from 11am through to evening. One bottle of wine at bar with friends
Friday Half a litre of neat vodka during the day. One and a half bottles of wine in the evening at the pub with friends
Saturday Two bottles of wine from lunch to mid-afternoon. Two glasses of neat vodka at night
Sunday Two bottles of wine at home
Total weekly units 153.1

What really blew me away is how much boozing they pack into lunch. This presents a massive growth opportunity for my personal drinking habits.

3.
China's Penis Restaurant
A very angry Chinese woman opened a restaurant that exclusively sells dishes made from male genitalia.

We try the water-buffalo penis first, in thin shavings. It started long and thin, but someone has shredded this noble old chap on a mandolin. It has the texture of squid and tastes of the mild chilli stock it’s been poached in.
We are given three sauces to dip it into - lemon and soy, chilli and soy, and a sesame-seed paste. It’s good, and the penile nature of the meat lends an undeniable frisson of excitement to the meal. I tell the boss that “it’s the first time I’ve had penis in my mouth, but I like it and I’m going to do more of it”. Well, someone had to say it. [Emphasis added]

HAhahuhOHGODWHY...

Um, also, deer penis juice? What.

My own peepee hurt a little after reading that article.

4.
The best-written porn I have ever read
You know it's classy because it's in New York Magazine, right?

So this blog has taken on a weird penis theme over the last few posts. But to enlarge on that, this extremely long and graphically homoerotic W.H. Auden poem is the most poetic description of a blowjob....ever.

I tested its length and strength with a manual squeeze.
I bunched my fingers and twirled them about the knob.
I stroked it from top to bottom. I got on my knees.
I lowered my head. I opened my mouth for the job.

And that's one of the clean stanzas. Wait for the climactic conclusion!

Puns are funny.

Also works as proof I'm straight because it didn't do much for me. Good to know.

St. Louis/Denver

2008-03-13T16:59:00.005-05:00

I always get the douchebag cabbies.

First, I'm taking a taxi to O'Hare (flying to St. Louis) and have this asinine exchange:

Cabbie: I got here 15 minutes ago!
Me: Wait, I told them to have you come at 5 am...I think it's 5 right now, right? [check cell phone]
Cabbie: I've been sitting here for 15 minutes man, where were you?
Me: I'm sorry man, I asked for a cab at 5. I didn't know you were here. But thanks for getting here early.
Cabbie: It's 5 now!
Me: It's not my fault you got here that early.

Then he gets on the phone and bitches about me to someone in a foreign language. But hey, douchenozzle, guess what? Next time you call a minority a 'spoiled bastard' in your native tongue, check to see if maybe he looks like he might understand what you're saying. And then don't moan about not getting a tip. Ass.

And then in Denver, this:

Me: So it's $50? Can I get $5 back? [Hand over three $20 bills]
Cabbie: Here's three.
Me: I need $5 back.
Cabbie: Here's three.
Me: What?
Cabbie: Here's three dollars.
Me: ...

I didn't care because it's not like I'm paying for it, but what the eff. Are there different rules in Colorado? Is it worth being an ass for $2?

Nothing else of note happened on either of these trips. St. Louis is still the worst place in the world. Denver's kinda pretty!

They gave us a happy hour at work today.

2008-03-12T22:53:00.002-05:00

(click to enlarge)

And this time in slow-mo!

2008-03-04T13:58:00.009-06:00

When a guy gets pegged in the nuts, it's like that scene in Star Wars Episode IV - the Death Star destroys the planet Alderaan and Obi-Wan can sense the disturbance in the Force from across the galaxy.

Even when it's not your own junk getting crushed, the reverberations of someone getting tagged echo across space. At that precise moment, every man in a 500-yard radius knows exactly what just happened - and thanks God it wasn't him.

Immediately, the game pauses. The practice stops. Someone runs for a bag of ice. A protective circle forms around the wreckage of what was once a man lying on the ground, rolling in pain.

Looking to learn more about this uniquely masculine phenomenon, the Fox Sports Net show "Sports Science" did a segment on what actually happens when you get nailed in the balls.

Clip is below, money shot at 1:25. AND IT DOESN'T STOP.

If my balls had tear ducts they would cry. The worst part is that the poor guy's a volunteer. He's not even getting paid.

One part tragedy, one part comedy. Tenderize. Serve on ice.

My boss is awesome

2008-03-04T13:45:00.004-06:00

Boss: You're gonna shave your head?
Me: Yeah.
Boss: Have you ever shaved your head before?
Me: Yeah!
Boss: Were you drunk?
Me: Yeah...
Boss: It's different when you're sober, man. Trust me.

Poopoopoooooop

2008-02-28T18:46:00.003-06:00

Click HERE for the greatest headline ever.

But besides unhygienic lemons, what this article really shows is this: poop is everywhere. We, as a society, need to come up with a better way of wiping our asses. A way that doesn't get poop on our hands, which is then smeared all over everything we touch.

The French and Japanese have adopted the bidet, which is a pretty fair solution. (In India they just wipe with their hands. Not a good solution.)

My idea: [insert minority joke here]

Penn Yan, NY

2008-02-26T14:58:00.006-06:00

I rolled in to rural Penn Yan with my MILF-y project manager blasting Soulja Boy's Crank That and doing the Superman dance, both of us expecting something like the bleak, desolate wasteland surrounding Triadelphia.

We were wrong. If Triadelphia is America's anus, Penn Yan is America's nipple.

The client was located in the heart of the Finger Lakes region of New York - New York wine country. A quaint little town nestled in the corner of vaguely vaginal Keuka Lake, we were pleasantly surprised to find excellent restaurants, scenic views, and wineries. Lots and lots of wineries.

(On our second day there we had some free time so we drove out to a nearby vineyard and got lit. Then we held a client meeting. Awesome.)

It started snowing near sunset, and, to be honest, it was actually quite romantic. Someday when I have money to waste and a chick I'm trying to bone, I'll come back here.

Only three other points of interest from this trip:

1. My room was right next to my project manager's (PM), so no blasting late-night HBO soft core. Again. Balls.

2. When we got to the hotel, the woman at the desk thought me and my PM were a couple. My (married, with children, but still MILF-y) PM thought this was flattering and hilarious. I thought it was terrifying. Especially when we went out for a nice dinner and had this conversation:

PM: So can you believe she thought we were together?
Me: Uh...well you look pretty young, so I guess it's not that bizarre.
PM: [takes sip of wine] This wine is fantastic. Oh my God, [Horph], I'm so happy right now!
Me: ...Penn Yan is pretty nice.
PM: [takes another sip of wine] Hey if we have time after dinner, do you want to go drive around the lake and try to see the stars?

3. On the drive to Penn Yan, Crank That came on the radio and my PM started doing the Superman dance, which she knew by heart because her kids "love that song." But she also "can't understand a word of it," at which point I had to explain, to my boss, what it means to Superman a ho. And then explain to her that, yes, her 12-year-old boys probably know exactly what the song's about.

Awkward.

Quotes entirely relevant to my life

2008-02-26T13:40:00.001-06:00

"In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story."

- Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

Eff the CTA. For serious.

2008-02-26T13:25:00.005-06:00

I was riding the train this morning. Some guy was trying to get out some Advil.

He opened the bottle and shook out a pill - and dropped it on the floor. Then he picked it up, blew on it, and ate it. Because a small gust of air will totally clean off the years of accumulated dirt, urine, vomit and feces.

I fucking hate the CTA.

That last post

2008-02-26T12:57:00.003-06:00

I think I should be commended for not making more hilarious Jewish jokes in that last post.

Just saying.

Atlanta/The Jews!!!

2008-02-24T16:02:00.011-06:00

While my actual Jewish friends were posting horribly offensive Holocaust jokes, whoring around in Myrtle Beach or living blissfully unaware of the concept of the paragraph, I was busy striking a blow for interfaith intercultural interhuman solidarity! Because I am that good of a person.
_________________

Usually on an airplane it's annoying when the guy next to you keeps trying to strike up a conversation. This flight was an exception.

"If my congregation knew how close I am to atheism, I'd be out of a job."

That was my introduction to the most awesome person I have ever met. On the flight to Atlanta, I found God in the form of a 50-year-old super-liberal reform rabbi from Columbus, GA. It solidifies my status as self-appointed honorary Jew!

We had a wide-ranging conversation, talking about travel, life in Georgia and his job - traveling around the country doing interfaith marriages, while also balancing the demands of his congregation back home.

My rabbi spent his early career in Hot Springs, AR, where he got to know former Governor Clinton, even then known for his "ugly chick" fetish. Which prompted:

"That Monica Lewinsky, there's a Jew for ya!" (also, Monica Lewinsky's Jewish? Who knew?)

The conversation turned to travel and his trips to Israel. He asked me about going to India, and where he should schedule a layover on the way there.

Me: Amsterdam is actually perfect for a long layover. The airport's really convenient to the city and it's not crazy expensive.
Awesome Jewish Rabbi: Huh, Amsterdam.
Me: Yeah. I mean everyone talks about the prostitutes and legal pot, but it's actually a great place.
AJR: Oh, I've been to Amsterdam. That red light district is CRAZY!
Me: Haha....
AJR: I thought my seven-year-old's eyes were going to pop out!

Eventually it came up that he has a daughter in DC. I have an aunt in DC who just got married to some Jewish guy. Brown-Jew weddings aren't common and he thought his daughter might have been there. Like pretty much everyone I ever meet, the moment my rabbi saw there might be a remote personal connection he started giving me awkward dating advice.

AJR: So what neighborhood are you staying in tonight?
Me: This area called Buckhead, know anything about it?
AJR: Yeah, it's great. Very young, very vibrant.
Me: Cool.
AJR: You should go out tonight, have a good time.
Me: Yeah, I think I will!
AJR: You go out to a bar tonight and you find yourself a good Indian girl.
Me: Uh... [Thanks, Mom...]
AJR: Yeah, a good Indian girl or a good Jewish girl. See, that Lewinsky - not much to look at, but she sure knew how to please a man!

It is settled. Now I have a mission - a mandate - a COVENANT! Single, unattractive Jewish girls who will blow me at the office...get ready.

Then he circumcised me with a butter knife in the airplane lavatory and sold my foreskin to the makers of this terrifying product.

Balls

2008-02-10T20:32:00.000-06:00

After some ridiculous traveling, back in Chicago for a while. Expect updates/stories soon.

In the meantime, here's a link haze!

1.
Am I Awesome?
I mean, like, yeah, but it's good to get affirmation sometimes.

2.
Is it Christmas?
Tough questions require tough answers.

3.
"Drinking stories that put yours to shame."
Excerpt:

Rescue attempts were blocked and delayed by the thousands who flocked to the area to drink directly off the road. And when survivors were finally brought to the hospital, the other patients became convinced from the smell that the hospital was serving beer to every ward except theirs. A riot broke out, and even more people were left injured.

4.
The Triumph of Bullshit
Brings together the collective stupidity of humanity in one Tumblr blog. The more you read the funnier it gets...

Triadelphia, WV II

2008-01-20T22:47:00.001-06:00

This is Triadelphia.

Triadelphia, WV

2008-01-20T18:05:00.000-06:00

I used to think Indiana was America's anus. I was wrong.

Within minutes of arriving it was clear that Triadelphia is God's blind spot. What a forsaken, wretched, bleak place. Point of reference: worse than UChicago's campus (oohh burn!).

Many strange and terrible things happened during the two days I spent there, but fortunately I have blocked them from my memory. I'm left with only these vague recollections:

1. My project manager insisting we drive around for 1.5 hours looking for a 'cute little sushi place.' In Triadelphia, West Virginia.

2. The immense popularity of the SUPERBUFFET - A Thai, Chinese, Japanese and Italian monster all-you-can-eat buffet. We did not get to go there.

3. A surprisingly vibrant lesbian population.

4. No soft-core porn on HBO.

Number four was the worst part of the trip. I usually try to spend a few hours on each business trip getting in touch with myself via HBO After Hours, but this time all I got was Martin Lawrence on Def Comedy Jam 1992 (which was kind of arousing but in a way that made me uncomfortable). In a pinch I was able to make do with Law and Order: SVU, but it's really not something I'm proud of.

I will never discuss this dark period in my life again. I would ask that you do the same.

eff the weather

2008-01-20T17:57:00.001-06:00

Chicago suddenly decided to get cold as balls, but at least I'll be traveling for the next few weeks and won't be here for the worst of it.

I'm flying to HOTLANTA tomorrow afternoon.

Weather in Chicago on Tuesday
High: 18 degrees
Low: 9 degrees
With wind chill: 2 degrees

Weather in Atlanta on Tuesday
High: 46 degrees
Low: 32 degrees
With wind chill: WHAT WIND?!!

46 degrees is t-shirt weather!

Travel

2008-01-11T15:43:00.000-06:00

My travel schedule for the next few weeks:

January 14-16: Pittsburgh and Triadelphia, WV
January 21-23: Atlanta
January 23-24: Penn Yan, NY (1 hour from Rochester...)
January 28-29: St. Louis
January 29-31: Denver
February 4-6: Syracuse

8 cities, 6 states, 4 weeks.

Badass.

Mmmmm

2008-01-11T14:00:00.001-06:00

There was a woman sitting next to me on my morning commute, very professional and fiddling with her BlackBerry.

It was the morning, so she reached up to scratch her eye and picked out some eye crud. Then she ATE the eye crud.

I fucking hate the CTA.

Excellent

2008-01-10T15:20:00.000-06:00

I'm psyched. Two of my best friends from college are back in Chicago for the weekend. We will pwn humanity.

The first friend is RedEye, subject of my already-broken New Year's resolution #3.

RedEye is studying some irrelevant subject as a graduate student at Brown. He is also an albino. (Badass, right?!)

Little known facts about albinos:

Albino blood is highly valuable and is gold
Albinos are, in fact, people
The albino homeland is Albania, centered in the ancient city of Albanopolis (stronghold of the mighty Albanoi)
Albinos and black people do not get along
Albinos only attack when threatened
Albinos are distant relatives of the unicorn
Famous albinos include:

Rep. Ron Paul, R-TX, presidential candidate
Wolf Blitzer, CNN anchor
The cool half of Opus Dei

Little known facts about RedEye:

He is from California
He likes comic books
One day he sexually harassed thousands of women in a matter of seconds and didn't even get a boner
He is kind of an asshole :(

Here is an artist's rendering of my friend:

My other friend, RimJob, used to be a pretty cool guy:

Then he graduated and moved to Tampa to become an investment banker:

Now he works all the time spilling the blood of the innocent. Sometimes I feel bad for him but then I remember he's dead inside, so whatevs.

Anyway, they are both in town this weekend and we are going to tear shit up. Rock.

Gah

2008-01-10T10:58:00.000-06:00

OK seriously no more Obama posts for a while, I promise.

Iowa III

2008-01-09T15:48:00.002-06:00

WATCH THIS SPEECH.

I have seen many political speeches. I am incredibly cynical. And somehow, when he was done, I had goosebumps.

I swear to God, if I was a woman (or gay!) and I was giving Obama a blowjob as he recited this speech...I would swallow.

Iowa II

2008-01-09T15:48:00.001-06:00

David Brooks sucks, but for once he was eloquent and succinct:

"This is a huge moment. It’s one of those times when a movement that seemed ethereal and idealistic became a reality and took on political substance."

Even if Obama can't pull it off, this is still exactly what happened that night. It was an amazing thing to watch. And I was there.

Iowa

2008-01-09T14:40:00.000-06:00

New Hampshire, Shmoo Shmampshire. Whatever. I'm gonna talk about Iowa instead.

I didn't post this immediately because I was kind of waiting to see how long it would take for the feeling to wear off - and it still hasn't.

Like I mentioned earlier, I've been trying to volunteer for the Obama campaign, which meant I had the privilege of being at Obama HQ (in Chicago) during the Iowa caucuses. It ranks right up there as one of the most thrilling political nights of my life.

I wasn't feeling well that day, but I figured I'd stop by on my way home. I arrived shortly before the caucuses started, and of course, right after I showed up, everyone stopped working and started drinking while the results came in.

With just 1% reporting, Edwards was up and the crowd was quiet. People started throwing out rationalizations.

An hour later, Obama had rebounded to take the lead. When CNN called it, the room exploded - and this was a random office building in Chicago. I can only imagine the pandemonium in Iowa.

I'll openly admit that my original reasons for volunteering weren't the most pure. I was very involved with the College Democrats in college, and I really just wanted to continue being involved - and Obama, frontrunner from Chicago, with offices near mine, was extremely convenient. I also wanted to meet more people my age, work on my first real campaign and, yes, fine, have something non-work-related to put on my resume.

I'll even go as far as to say that, while I certainly never disliked Obama, I was never all that impressed with him either. I had seen him speak in person twice before, at Northwestern- once when he was running for the Senate, and again at commencement - and I was less than enthused, although maybe it's impossible for anyone to live up to that kind of hype. But that, combined with the pairing of high-level rhetoric and low-level experience (and the fact that so many of his supporters seemed to be former Deaniacs) kept me wary.

A lot of that changed on Thursday.

The atmosphere, the crowd, the history of the moment and the speech - oh my god, the speech - made it the first time any candidate has punctured my cynicism and knocked me flat on my back.

I'm still not 100% sold on him. I don't know if I can ever be 100% for any candidate. But Obama's coming pretty close.

CTA

2008-01-09T10:44:00.000-06:00

My favorite part of the day is when I'm in the shower.

My least favorite part of the day? The HOUR AND A HALF I spend commuting from Lakeview to the Loop and back to Lakeview, packed in a dirty L car with unwashed non-model minorities. And other generally unwashed people.

Here is an abstract visualization of what happens during each 45-minute trip:

Eff conference calls

2008-01-09T10:03:00.000-06:00

From a recent conference call:

Consultant 1: So can we get started?
Consultant 2: What?
Consultant 1: Why is this taking so long? Who the hell are we waiting for?
Consultant 2: The client...

Whoa...

2008-01-08T21:31:00.001-06:00

CINDY MCCAIN IS A FOX!

For a 54-year-old [FORMER STROKE VICTIM!] woman...damn.

This begins and concludes my New Hampshire primary coverage.

Except, oh wait, I totally almost kinda predicted the result?!

My vagina is a wet water village.

2008-01-08T15:45:00.000-06:00

Hey you know what's nice? When you're riding the L and a pretty girl smiles at you. It makes the day a little brighter.

In other news, today I grew A GIANT VAGINA.

eff.

In which I discover I have a superpower.

2008-01-08T13:55:00.000-06:00

So I've been sporadically volunteering for the Obama campaign's New Media group for a little over a month. My ass-random work and travel schedule make it hard to go in as much as I'd like, but figure whatever I can contribute is still that much less busywork for the full-time staff and other volunteers. If nothing else, it keeps me politically involved and, unlike my job, keeps me around ~~fellow alcoholics~~ passionate and interesting people my age.

But what's weird is that even though I spend far less time there than most people, somehow I already have a reputation - whenever I show up, alcohol shows up too.

I don't know how it happens, but almost every time I've gone my showing up was quickly followed by lots and lots of booze:

On the first day I went in, a Saturday, I did about 30 minutes of work before the pizza arrived. And with the pizza came about five cases of wine. Which we drank.
I came in right before the Iowa caucuses started to help out while it was going on, only to find out that as soon as the booze arrived everyone was going to stop working and start drinking.
Yesterday, I was there for less than five minutes before my entire group decided to randomly duck out for an hour and have a beer together.

I guess it's a gift?

I am so bored

2008-01-08T13:37:00.000-06:00

For whatever reason I'm really lightly staffed this week. Next week I start traveling again but right now....eff.

In the meantime, a few days ago I called my ~~friend~~ entourage member/only reader Kamdizzle a "cockninja," which was totally hilarious because she's super crazy feminist and also maybe a girl. But I guess it's hard image for people afraid of male genitalia to visualize, or something, so I used MS Paint to draw her a picture (click to enlarge):

cockninja rarrr

Hehehe

2008-01-08T13:18:00.000-06:00

Line from an e-mail i just received:

"Mike's* positive feedback overflowed like a shaken bottle of champagne after popping the cork."

This could simply be a very bad simile, but I prefer to interpret it as a subtle ejaculation reference with all the requisite homoerotic connotations and implied shady backdoor dealings.

*Name changed, for obvious reasons.

backdoor shadiness

Ummmm

2008-01-07T17:08:00.000-06:00

According to The New York Times, neti pots are all the rage in the exciting world of nasal irrigation. This is in spite of the fact that they have been used for thousands of years in India. This is also in spite of the fact that they are effing gross.

This YouTube demonstration video is from The Jewess, currently exiled to Israel (the Jersey of the Middle East). It's pretty disgusting, much like her personal hygiene habits.*

And yet, also much like The Jewess, I simply can't look away...

(as usual, the best part is at the end)

*After reading this, The Jewess informed me that she now showers every day and is a frequent user of Listerine. Good for her! Too bad I don't believe a word of it.

BORED/politics?

2008-01-07T15:04:00.001-06:00

Reader(s?):

Because today I am minimally staffed and extremely bored at work, it's time for sharp/insightful/uneducated political discussion!

Here is my entirely irrelevant analysis of the Democratic primaries, offered because seriously why the fuck not?

Everyone around here has been going batshit crazy about Obama's historic feel-good victory in Iowa, and I'm as thrilled as anybody that he won (more on that later) - but the enthusiasm is premature.

If anything, the large margin of victory makes him more vulnerable. Hillary doesn't even have to win in New Hampshire tomorrow - she just needs to come in second. As long her margin of loss is less than the nine-point spread from Iowa, she can take a page from her husband and declare a 1992-esque comeback. She'll have momentum (as opposed to Joementum) and Obama could be perceived as slipping even if he wins. This storyline will follow them to Super Duper Tuesday (or, for the melodramatically-inclined, "The Tuesday of Destiny"), when Obama's natural charm and non-threatening minority image could be overpowered by the Hillary political machine.

With polls showing them at only around 10 points apart, I think this is a definite possibility. Or not at all.

Just sayin'. Hope I'm wrong. RON PAUL 4 PREZ!!1!

"Journalism"

2008-01-07T11:50:00.000-06:00

This is not worth reading unless you're a Northwestern sports fan. If you are, then it's pretty awesome: a letter to the editor of The Columbus Dispatch, calling them out for insulting NU athletics (something that happens far more often than it should).

The last line of the letter is the best part. Mr. Sapienza, you have warmed a brown man's heart.

For the uninitiated: Yes, NU sports used to be terrible, but as you'll see the program has significantly improved in the last 20 years - so much that we're now ranked in the top 30 (!) sports departments in the country.

Click here for link.

Or, reproduced in its entirety:

Slam on Northwestern sports programs a cheap shot

Saturday, January 5, 2008 3:00 AM

As one of more than 700 central Ohio residents who happen to be Northwestern University alums as well as Columbus community contributors, I take offense to the Jan. 1 editorial "Hopes for 2008." It featured among the "headlines we'd like to write over the next 12 months" the wish that "Big Ten actually has 10 teams (Northwestern joins MAC)." Quite honestly, I do not understand it.
I suppose it is based on the myopic and somewhat mythic notion that when it comes to "sports that matter," Northwestern's programs do not measure up with the Big Ten -- and certainly not with the almighty institution of local interest, Ohio State University. I candidly admit that Northwestern has not performed well in basketball -- both versions -- because of shortfalls in recruiting. I also anticipate that this area will receive major attention in coming years, as it will undoubtedly be a priority of the new athletics director.

On the football side of things, yes, we routinely get smacked by Ohio State -- except for that wonderful night in 2004 -- but so do many teams every year, including other Big Ten teams, especially in "the 'Shoe." More important, with the exception of OSU outcomes, NU football has been reasonably competitive for many of the past 12 years.

Including the Rose Bowl season of 1995, the team has won or shared the Big Ten title three times and played in five bowl games. Yes, we are 0-5 in those games, but we played well enough in the Big Ten to get the bids. But all of this is secondary to the broader, balanced view, which The Dispatch, as a journalistic enterprise, should at least attempt to achieve.

If the staff had done a little homework, it would have found that NU has placed in the top 30 ranking of the NCAA Director's Cup for the last three years, ahead of more than a few other Big Ten programs and a vast improvement from prior years, thanks in large part to departing Athletics Director Mark Murphy. This climb from relative athletic obscurity was driven mainly by achievements in sports that don't get much attention: three-time national champion in women's lacrosse, consecutive NCAA Final Four appearances in women's softball, NCAA men's soccer Final Four in 2006 (which The Dispatch thought was great when OSU did it this year), not to mention individual championships in swimming, golf and tennis.

When you add these achievements to the academic quality and integrity that the school has provided to the conference for the better part of the last decade, it seems that the institution is more than holding up its end of obligations. So next time the newspaper decides to engage in the editorial version of "trash talk," it might want to opt for the broader view and do something with class that all Columbus would appreciate.

Happy New Year and best wishes for improved editorial quality in 2008.

MICHAEL M. SAPIENZA

Columbus

additional resolution

2008-01-07T11:28:00.000-06:00

Adding one more resolution to the list:

7. Stop masturbating in the shower.

I think my roommates are on to me.

Sadly, I have already broken this resolution.

fuck you, osu

2008-01-07T10:31:00.000-06:00

I will never root for an SEC team...but I also just can't bring myself to root for tOSU in the championship game tonight. The thought alone of cheering when Ohio State scores makes me start dry heaving.

I hate the SEC. I hate that the majority of its "universities" are little more than glorified community colleges. I hate that the teams in the conference regularly subordinate academics and institutional integrity for the sake of big money football, and that their students and alumni are perfectly OK with this - or even encourage it. I hate that SEC football players are brazenly exploited and have some of the lowest graduation rates in the country, and somehow they don't mind one bit. I especially hate the jackass bandwagon SEC fans who try to put down other conferences based solely on Florida's defeat of tOSU in last year's NCG. These people and this conference exemplify all that is wrong with college sports.

For these reasons and more, I cannot root for LSU.

And yet I hate Ohio State more than I hate any one team in the SEC. Unlike SEC teams, I don't have a problem with Ohio State's program. For many years it was the equivalent of an SEC team transplanted to the Big 10, but even though graduation rates are still low I'll admit that the program has made huge strides in classiness under Jim Tressel.

The same can't be said for tOSU's idiot fan base.

Ohio State fans are assholes. Once every two years, they roll into Evanston and trash the entire town. They get belligerently drunk, break things, toss garbage on the sidewalk, puke everywhere and shit in the bushes.

The oddest part about it is that Ohio State alumni - people, you know, who actually went to the school - are typically very respectful. The problem is the morons who, with only some vague connection to the state of Ohio and who never went to tOSU (mostly because they couldn't get in...imagine that) take it upon themselves to disgrace what would otherwise be a perfectly respectable alternative to vocational school.

It's OK to be passionate about your team. It's OK to get drunk and noisy. It's even OK to be from Ohio (hey, I was born there). But it's not OK to vandalize another school's property, to accost that school's fans in their home stadium, or to be all-around sacks of shit on behalf of a university with which you have no actual affiliation.

Although, granted, this does make it all the more satisfying when our Academic All-American future investment bankers occasionally bust out a win. Sadly, these victories are few and far between.

In the end, for the sake of the Big 10 I do hope Ohio State wins the game. And speaking personally, while Northwestern didn't have its best year (6-6, 3-5 Big 10), we were in every game until the last few minutes - except for at Ohio State, a 58-7 blowout loss. If you're gonna get one ass kicking, it may as well be from the best team in the country.

But that doesn't mean I have to like it - and it definitely doesn't mean I have to watch. I am hereby boycotting the game tonight. Fuck them both.

you stay classy, Ohio State

Heh

2008-01-06T16:15:00.000-06:00

Found this through the badass blog Awful Announcing. I know for a fact that it's the greatest sports sign I have ever seen, even though it's from the retarded Rutgers-Ball State International Bowl.

Just wait for it.

Resolutions

2008-01-04T00:07:00.000-06:00

Resolutions for the new year:

1. increase use of the word "boner" in casual conversation

As in:
I made a huge boner at work today when I hit "reply all" to an e-mail.
I just backed my car into a tree. What a boner!
I would walk over there but I have a massive boner.

2. start smoking

It's pretty great being awesome at life, but one of the few drawbacks of being a high-powered consultant is that you spend a lot of time indoors meeting with clients. Smoking will provide me an easy way to escape awkward situations and dull meetings. It's also just a great way to get some fresh air.

Other benefits:
- Deeper voice
- Air of rugged masculinity
- Girls think you're mysterious
- Cancer victims get tons of pity sex

The way I see it, by the time I'm 40 I'll be important enough to tell people to go eff themselves when I have better things to do. My doctor tells me if I start smoking at 23 and quit by around 40, the health effects will be negligible. Perfect.

3. be nice to tony

Tony is my albino friend but I was mean to him and now he's ignoring me. Instead of talking to me he spends all his time sleeping with hairy coeds at Brown. Maybe if I'm nice to him we can be friends again?! Look I'll stop calling you Silas IT WAS JUST A FUCKING JOKE OK?!!! Asshole.

Sadly, I have already broken this resolution.

4. seriously elevate drinking levels

No explanation necessary.

5. make fewer racist jokes

Even though I'm a minority, I've learned that casual racism towards other minorities is not socially acceptable. But if I'm not allowed to be racist towards other brown people, who is?! Sigh.

Sadly, I have already broken this resolution.

6. watch more reno 911

Damn it's a good show.

heh

2008-01-03T23:54:00.000-06:00

effing awesome.

My old blog was getting lame. Read this one instead.

This is the first image that comes up after a Google search for "awesomoscity." Pretty appropriate.